Mate – by Tucker Max and Geoffrey Miller

Sorry ladies, ‘Mate’ is probably more for the blokes. Unlike the book we did ‘The Game’ which involved manipulation and mind games, this is more about becoming a good bloke that women are naturally attracted to. It’s about improving yourself in all areas of your life, like your physical health, mental health, willpower, and intelligence, and then indirectly signaling to women that you’re an effective man that will be a good partner. The book goes through the 5-step plan to help you achieve your mating goals.

‘Become The Man Women Want’

Mate Summary

“One of life’s great secrets: women don’t look for handsome men, they look for men with beautiful women”  

In the early seasons of the show, when Jonesy was a single man, we read a few dating-style books. This one was the pick of the bunch because it wasn’t based on tricks or tactics. The authors said that if you want to be attractive to women, you need to focus on improving yourself (not using the best pickup lines). 

Mate is specifically targeted towards straight, young males (the subtitle probably doesn’t hide that fact: ‘become the man women want’). For straight young males, it is hard to understand the real, biological vulnerability women face. If you are male, imagine this: you are a small, young, single, inexperienced gay man who has had a tough week at work. You go into a gay bar for the first time bar, where you encounter a sea of huge men –  NBA superstars, NFL linebackers and sexual aggressive felons who just got out of jail. They are bigger than you, faster than you and hornier than you. Their heads swivel toward you like the Terminator. Unsettling to say the least… this is essentially what women experience every time they step outside. 

Women face genuine threats due to the cold hard fact that the average man is taller, heavier, bigger and stronger than the average woman – from an evolutionary biology perspective, women always had to be careful which men they allowed to come close to them, and that same mindset persist today as a vital protection strategy. Women are (rightfully) very picky with who they sleep with. STD? A minor inconvenience for a man, but could potentially lead to sterilisation for a woman. Pregnancy? A man could walk away unchanged, but a woman’s life and career could be permanently altered in an instant. Physical harm? Most man could cause harm to most women. The two authors combine to teach men to be better men: Tucker Max bringing his past frivolities from a life of partying in his early twnties and being… less than perfect… in the way he treated women (but he’s now reformed), and Dr Geoffrey Miller, a well-renowned evolutionary psychologists who brings a scientific perspective to the situation. Together, they found that what women really want is a man who is ‘EFFECTIVE’, and they lay out strategies for blokes to lift their game in all facets of themselves. 

Build Self Confidence

Confidence is the realistic expectation you have of being successful at something given (a) your competence at it and (b) the risks associated. An effective man is one who is confident – not arrogant, but not a cowering mess. There may be social and emotional risks associated with approaching women (you may get rejected and feel embarrassment in front of your friends), but one thing is for certain: if you’re timid when you say hello, or you’re too scared to even say hello, women will know and it won’t go well for you. Bring a Growth Mindset (see Book #XX for more) and work on improving all aspects of yourself – being more competent will make you feel more confident. 

Develop attractive traits

Contrary to popular belief, a woman’s favourite words are not ‘I love you’ or even ‘I’m sorry’, they’re actually ‘don’t worry honey, I’ve got this’. From Miller’s evolutionary psychology perspective, women want to be with a man who makes them feel safe. Strength  – physical, emotional, financial, social – makes a woman feel secure. Perhaps even without ever consciously thinking about it, women are always assessing men on three criteria:

1. Does he carry good genes?
2. Will be be a good partner?
3. Will he make a good dad?

It’s up to YOU to improve you scores on each of these tests. This means getting in shape and getting fit. Tucker says that you don’t need to look like LeBron James, but you can’t look like Kevin James either… This also means getting more sleep, eating better, exercising more, getting some sunshine, reading and learning new things, maybe even doing some mindfulness meditation and being open to spontaneity. 

The Tender Defender

Women don’t want the nice guy, the cowardly door mat that no one respects. They also don’t want the arsehole, the raging douchebag that everyone loathes. You need to be an effective mix of the two by being assertive but not aggressive. The authors suggest that you could develop these skills by taking care of animals, babysitting young children, volunteering at the retirement village or mentoring young people. 

Women need a man who is effective, protective, decisive. Say you’re on a date and the waiter spills a coffee on your lady friend. Don’t rip the poor waiter’s head off – it was an accident and that makes you a dick. But also don’t brush it off and say it doesn’t matter – that makes you weak and makes your date feel unsupported. Instead, calmly but persuasively talk to the waiter in a respectful manner – they’ll want to do the right thing and make it up to you, so maybe an apology and a free cocktail means everyone is happy, everyone keeps their dignity, and you look like a legend to everyone.

Show, don’t tell

Don’t tell them you’re funny, just say something funny. Don’t tell them you’re smart, just subtly inject a clever fact into conversation. Be playful, be open, be resilient, be adaptable. Plug your gaps: find your areas of weakness and work on them – a six pack and big biceps don’t mean much if your stacking shelves on minimum wage or cant string a compelling sentence together, and that 6-figure desk job isn’t doing much for you if you can’t take her on a hike because you too fat or if it makes you unhappy and abusive. You won’t need to use any fancy pickup lines or sneaky mind tricks if you just focus on making yourself a better person.