In Lying, best-selling author and neuroscientist Sam Harris argues that we can radically simplify our lives and improve society by merely telling the truth in situations where others often lie.

Lying is almost by definition a refusal to cooperate with others. It condenses a lack of trust and trustworthiness into a single act. It is the failure of understanding and willingness to be understood. To lie is to recoil from a relationship.

By lying, we deny others our view of the world. Not only does our dishonesty influence the choices they make, but it also determines their decisions. Every lie is an assault on the autonomy of those we lie to.

How would your relationships change if you resolved to never lie again? What truth about yourself might suddenly reveal itself? What kind of person would you become? And how might you change the people around you? Is it worth finding out?

What is a lie?

Deception can take many forms. But not all acts of deception are lies.

When asked ‘How are you?’, most of us reflexively say that we are well, understanding the question to be merely a greeting. Rather than an invitation to discuss our career disappointments, our marital troubles or the condition of our bowels. We may skirt the truth at such moments. But we do not deliberately manufacture falsehood or conceal important facts to the detriment of others. The boundary between lying and deception is often vague.

People tell lies for many reasons. They lie to avoid embarrassment, exaggerate their accomplishments and disguise wrongdoing. They make promises they don’t intend to keep. They conceal defects in their products and services. They mislead competitors to gain an advantage. Many of us lie to our friends and family members to spare their feelings.

Whatever our purpose in telling them, lies can be gross or subtle. Some entail elaborate ruses or forged documents. Others consist merely of euphemisms or tactical silences. The opportunity to deceive others is ever-present and often tempting. Few of us are murderers or thieves but all of us are liars.

Dishonesty

Even liars rate their deceptive interactions as less pleasant than truthful ones. This is not terribly surprising. We know that trust is deeply rewarding and that suspicion and deception are two sides of the same coin. Researchers suggest all forms of lying are associated with less satisfying relationships, even though they’re meant to spare the feelings of others.

Honesty is a gift we can give to others. It is also the source of power and an engine of simplicity. Knowing that we told the truth in the past leaves us with nothing to keep track of. We can simply be ourselves in every moment. In committing to being honest with everyone, we commit to avoiding a wide range of long term problems at the cost of occasional short term discomfort.

But it may take practice to feel comfortable with this way of being in the world. To cancel plans, decline invitations, negotiate contracts, critique others’ work, all while being honest about what one is thinking and feeling. To do this is also to hold a mirror up to one’s life. Because a commitment to telling the truth requires that one pay attention to what the truth is, in every moment. What sort of person are you? How judgemental, self-interested or petty have you become?

Telling the truth can also reveal in ways which we want to grow but haven’t. The author Sam Harris was picked as the valedictorian at high school. He declined the honour by saying that he felt that someone who had been at the school longer should give the graduation speech. But that was a lie. The truth was that he was terrified of public speaking and would do almost anything to avoid it. His lying implied that he wasn’t ready to confront this fact about himself. Had he been forced to tell his high school principal the truth, he might have begun the conversation that would have been well worth having.

White lies

What could be wrong with truly white lies? First, they are still lying. Secondly, in telling them, we incur all the problems of being less than straightforward in our dealings with people. Sincerity, authenticity, integrity, mutual understanding. These and other sources of moral wealth are destroyed the moment we deliberately misrepresent our beliefs, whether or not our lies are ever discovered.

A woman may ask you: ‘Do I look fat in this dress?’

Most people insist that the correct answer to this question is always no. Why not simply reassure someone with a tiny lie and send her out in the world feeling more confident? Unless one commits to telling the truth in situations like this, exceptions to the principle of honesty begin to multiply. Very soon you may find yourself behaving as most people do quite effortlessly by shading the truth or even lying outright without thinking about it.

What about the friend in a dress? What is the truth? Perhaps she looks fat in the dress and it is the fault of the dress. A white lie is also a refusal to offer guidance in a storm. By telling her the truth, you could be helping her find a more flattering outfit.

Big Lies

Most of us are now painfully aware that our trust in the government, corporations and other public institutions has been undermined by lies. Lying has prolonged or precipitated wars. The Gulf of Tonkin incident in Vietnam. False reports of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These examples illustrate how lying l could lead to armed conflict that would have otherwise not occurred. When the truth finally emerged, vast numbers of people grew more cynical about US foreign policy, and many have come to doubt the legitimacy of any military intervention—whatever the stated motive was.

Big lies have led many people to reflexively distrust those in positions of authority. As a result, it is now impossible to share substantial information on important issues like climate change, environmental pollution, human nutrition, or foreign conflicts without a significant percentage of people expressing their doubts. Both reputable sources of information and our public discourse appear permanently riven by conspiracy theories.

Faint praise

There have been times when Harris was devoted to a project that was simply doomed. He spent years invested in a project that wasn’t working when honest feedback would have spared an immense amount of wasted effort. At other times, he received frank criticism when he needed it and was able to change course quickly. Yes, it can be unpleasant to be told that we have wasted time, or that we are not performing as we imagined. But if the criticism is valid, it is precisely what we need to hear to find our way in the world.

Yet we are often tempted to encourage others with insincere praise. In this, we treat them like children while failing to help them prepare for encounters with those who will judge them like adults. We don’t need to go out of our way to criticise others, but when asked for an honest opinion, we do our friends no favours by pretending we don’t notice flaws in their work.

Mental accounting

One of the greatest problems of the liar is that he must keep track of all of his lies. Some people are better at this than others. Psychopaths can assume the burden of mental accounting without any obvious distress. They do not care about others and are quite happy to sever relationships whenever the need arises. Some people are monsters of egocentricity but lying unquestionably comes at a psychological cost for the rest of us.

Lies beget other lies

Unlike statements of fact which require no further work on our part, lies must be continually protected from collisions with reality. When you tell the truth you have nothing to keep track of, and if questions arise you can always point others back to it.  You can openly discuss your confusion, conflicts, and doubts with all comers. A commitment to the truth is naturally purifying of error.

But a liar must remember what they said and to whom and maintain their falsehoods in the future. This can require an extraordinary amount of work—all of which comes at the expense of authentic communication and free attention. The liar must weigh each new disclosure, whatever the source to see whether it might damage the façade they have built. All these stresses accrue.

Tell enough lies and the effort needed to keep your audience in the dark eventually becomes unsustainable. While you might be spared a direct accusation of dishonesty, many people will conclude that they can’t trust you. You will begin to seem like someone who is always dancing around the facts. Many of us know people like this. No one ever quite confronts them but everyone begins to treat them as creatures of fiction.