In Hold Me Tight, Dr Sue Johnson presents the concept of Emotionally Focused Therapy–which helps reestablish safe emotional connections and preserve the attachment bond in relationships.

Love has always been a mystical elusive emotion for many of us. It should come as no surprise that people recently surveyed in Western societies rate a satisfying love relationship as their number one goal. Thankfully, within the past few decades, an exciting understanding of love started emerging.

Hold Me Tight focuses on pivotal moments in a relationship. In this book, Dr Johnson uses touchpoints such as ‘Recognising the Demon dialogue’ for the 7 ultimate healing conversations. Through stories from Dr Johnson’s practice, illuminating advice, and practical exercises, you will learn how to nurture, protect, and grow your relationship–ensuring a lifetime of love.

The Seven Conversations of Emotionally Focused Therapy

Research showed that every time a couple had a Hold Me Tight conversation, a moment of deep emotional connection occurred. Physicists speak of resonance—a sympathetic vibration between two elements that allows them to suddenly synchronise signals and act in new harmony.

You can learn to stop the emotional starvation and distance that plagues so many relationships. But more than that, you can learn the exquisite logic of love and the conversations that develop love. The basis of Emotionally Focused Therapy is 7 conversations that should encourage a special kind of emotional responsiveness. For many couples, this is the key to lasting love.

Conversation 1: Recognising the Demon Dialogues

The person we love the most in the world can send us soaring joyfully into space, but they’re also someone who can send us crashing back down to earth. Sometimes all it takes is a head that turns away or a flip, careless remark.

We get stuck in patterns, which Dr Johnson named the Demon Dialogues. When we can’t connect safely with our partners, we’ll try to ‘Find the Bad Guy’. It’s a dead-end pattern of mutual blame that effectively splits up a couple. The second is the Protest Polka, which is the demand/withdraw or criticise/defend stage. The third is the Freeze and Flee, also known as the withdraw/withdraw stage. Eventually, the toxic patterns can become so ingrained and permanent that they totally undermine the relationship, blocking all attempts at reconnection.

Demon Dialogue 1—Find the Bad Guy

We lose our emotional safety when we feel hurt by our partner. To regain control, we start a pattern of negative responses by attacking, accusing, or blaming the other person. When we feel cornered and flooded with fear, it’s easier to focus on what your partner did to you instead of seeing the impact of your responses towards them.

Once you get caught in a pattern, you’ll anticipate similar negative moments and react even faster when you see it coming. You can no longer relax around your partner, and you may lose your connection with them. This will slowly strain the relationship so it’s important to be able to have conversations without blaming anyone.

Demon Dialogue 2—The Protest Polka

This is the most widespread dance in relationships. Most couples who fall into this pattern early in marriage don’t make it to the fifth anniversary. Many couples have a difficult time recognising this pattern. Unlike the obvious attack pattern in Find The Bad Guy, the Protest Polka is more subtle. One person is demanding and actively protesting the lack of connection in the relationship. The other is withdrawing and quietly protesting the implied criticism. In conclusion, both parties end up missing each other’s signal.

You need to observe how you and your partner dance and how it reflects your relationship. You can’t simply focus on the content of your arguments, but you also need to see the bigger picture.

The polka is all about attachment distress. It can’t be solved with logical problem-solving. We have to know the nature of the dance to change the key elements and return to a safe connection. We need to learn to recognise the calls for connection from our partners. Tune into these moments of disconnection, protest, and distress. Learn to see the whole dance routine as your enemy, not your partner.

Finally, partners can begin to stand together and recognise the main issue. They can slow down the music and learn how to step to the side and create enough safety to talk about their emotions and needs.

Demon Dialogue 3—Freeze & Flee

When we see that both parties are shut down into frozen defence and denial. Each person is in self-protection mode, trying to act as if they don’t need the other person anymore.

The Freeze and Flee dance usually evolves from the Protest Polka. This is what happens when the pursuing critical partner gives up on trying to get the partner’s attention and goes silent. If this cycle runs its course, the more active partner will grieve the relationship, then detach and leave. At this point, partners typically are very polite to each other or even cooperative around pragmatic issues. However, there’s no emotional connection left in the relationship.

Conversation 7: Keeping Your Love Alive

Conversation 7 is built on the understanding that love is a continual process of seeking and losing emotional connection, and reaching out to find it again. The bond of love is a living thing—if we don’t attend to it, it naturally begins to wither. In a world that is constantly moving, it’s a challenge to stay in the present moment and tent to both our own and our partner’s need for connection. This final conversation asks you to be deliberate and mindful about your love.

Conclusion

Hold Me Tight will take you through a journey of learning the new science of love. Love is not a mystical, mysterious force that sweeps us off our feet, as many love songs on the radio suggest. It is our survival code and contains an exquisite logic that we are now able to understand. This means that a resilient, deeply satisfying love relationship isn’t just a dream, but more of an attainable goal for us all.

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