For some people, the idea of a permanent commitment to one partner feels a little old-fashioned. Just flick on Netflix, and you’ll find plenty of documentaries about people opting into polyamorous relationships or other non-traditional setups. When things get tough, we might think that this person mustn’t be right for us, and it’s easier just to let them go.

The question has shifted from “can this relationship be saved?” to “should this be saved”? And most couples are deciding the answer is no. The divorce rate is at a record of 50%, and the unhappiness rate has cracked 75%. Ironically, couples see splitting up as an opportunity for personal growth, rather than growing together to fix the relationship. Furthermore, young people are kicking the can down the road when it comes to the big questions in life. In the 1980s, the average age of marriage was 23 for men and 21 for women. By 2017, it had risen to 30 for men and 26 for women. And many people are deciding never to marry at all.
But despite all of this scepticism around marriage and relationships, deep down, we still long for lasting love. We all want to feel that love is in the air. The key to finding your perfect match is to realise that most people’s discontent is buried deep beneath the surface. Superficially, you might argue over who did the dishes, where to go on holiday or who is looking after the kids. But it goes much deeper than that. To understand how to build the optimal love life, we need to realise an unwritten agenda formed early in life.

Searching For The Complete Self

When you pop into existence, the bliss of your newborn self doesn’t last forever. Straight away, you want stuff. Freud correctly labelled us as insatiable beings. And no parent, not even Supermum, can respond to all your needs – she’s also got shit to do. Even though your parents had your best interests at heart, the overall message handed down to you wasn’t perfect. There were certain thoughts, feelings, actions and natural behaviours that you had to extinguish to be worthy of your parent’s loves. In thousands of ways, your parents only approved part of you.

As a child, this can be devastating. You then go on the lifelong quest to feel worthy, valued and loveable. The brain evolved to find the solution from elsewhere. It is programmed to seek fulfilment from a partner. This person will be the conduit to you reexperiencing full aliveness and joy in the world. Your brain’s strategy is a little weird and surprising. It is seeking someone who resembles the very people responsible for your childhood challenges in the first place – your parents! We are looking to replicate those early childhood conditions to find fulfilment. We have an unconscious expectation that through marriage, our partner can restore this original state of connecting.

Most people have a hard time believing they selected a partner who resembled their caregivers, especially their negative traits. They think they are after people with only the positive characteristics: ones who are kind, earn the big bucks, are sexy and intelligent. Many say: “I’ll never marry a drunk like my father”, or “There’s no way I’ll marry a tyrant like my mother”. But no matter their conscious intent, most are attracted to people with the same negative and positive traits of their parents.

Why do negative traits have such appeal? If we chose mates logically, we would look for partners who compensated, not duplicated. But it is the attempt to re-create the early experiences for the sole purpose of healing. To finally get what you needed in childhood.

So, you are on the hunt for completeness – to heal the deficient part of you that was neglected. You might feel you lack artistic talent, strong emotions or skills on the dance floor. When you form an intimate relationship with someone who is ‘gifted’ in this area, you experience a feeling of completeness. Being emotionally attached to this person, you say: “This is my boyfriend” or “This is my girlfriend”. Looking around, you’ll notice that people are always choosing traits that compliment each other. One is talkative, the other thoughtful and introverted. One is intuitive; the other is logical. Or in my case (Jonesy’s), one is a professional ballerina, and the other has almost no flexibility.

Growing Pains To ‘Real Love’

When you find someone who might ‘complete’ the lost parts of you, the interesting games begin. Usually, it consists of an emotional subterfuge to appear less needy and more giving than you are. You want the other person to think that you’re free of emotional needs and that the partner is free to assume that you’re just there to serve their needs. This makes you a real catch…

You’ve probably had the ‘in love experience’. When you’re in it, you think your partner is the most wonderful person you’ve ever met. You only see your partner’s best characteristics. You’re riding high, floating in the clouds… but eventually you plonk back to planet Earth. We ultimately need to begin satisfying a hierarchy of expectations of our partner, not just ourselves. With your eyes now fully open, you start to see their warts. Suddenly, the personality traits you once valued begin to be a cause of real issues.

We’ve all got personal blemishes, but those little speedbumps you previously overlooked may now seem like insurmountable peaks. A man who used to find his partner’s outgoing nature refreshing is now making him feel invaded. A woman discovers that her husband’s logical nature – which initially complimented her emotional side – has now made him into an unfeeling robot.
The real work begins when you’re past the initial emotional evasion that consists in the early, ‘in love’ stage. ‘Real love’ is something different from this ‘in love experience’. It takes a lot more emotional effort and empathy to serve the needs of your partner. If you want to sustain real love, you need to learn your partner’s Love Language. We’re not talking about learning a bit of Spanish to kink up your role-play; we’re talking about learning effective new communication methods.