On the slope of Long’s Peak in Colorado lies the ruin of a gigantic tree. Naturalists tell us that it stood for 400 years. During the course of its long life it was struck by lightning fourteen times, hit by avalanches, bushfires and  storms of four centuries.  It survived them all.

In the end, however, an army of beetles attacked at the tree and levelled it to the ground. The insects ate their way through the bark and gradually destroyed the inner strength of the tree by their tiny but incessant attacks.

Like this magnificent tree, it isn’t the big events that necessarily take us down. It is usually the small nagging little worries that have the ability to eat us from the inside out. In this episode we talk about how to stop these nagging little worries, change our perceptions about the world and make the most of bad situations.

Grab a copy of the book here: https://www.bookdepository.com/How-to-Stop-Worrying-and-Start-Living/9780671733353/?a_aid=adamsbooks

This episode is sponsored by 99 Designs. For $20 off plus a free $99 upgrade, head to: www.99designs.com/whatyouwilllearn

How to Stop Worrying and Start Living – by Dale Carnegie

Stopping worrying about yourself

“our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand”

Presence

One of the most tragic things about human nature is that we tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today . Why are we such fools, such tragic fools? How strange it is, our little procession of life:

The child says “when I am a big boy”

But the big boy says “when I grow up”

Then the grown up says “when I get married”

Then the married person says “when I’m able to retire”

Then the retired person looks back over the landscape, a cold wind sweeps over, somehow he missed it all and it is gone .

Life we learn too late, is in the living, in the tissue of every day and hour. Even the great French philosopher Montaigne, made the mistake “my life… Has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened.”

Probably the same with you?

Life is slipping away at incredible speed. We are racing through space at the rate of 19 miles per second. Today is our most precious possession. It is our only sure possession, so the first thing you should know about worry is this If you want to keep it out of your life. Shut the iron doors on the past and the future. Live in day-tight compartments.

Keep Busy

A student of Dale’s, Marion Douglas was telling a story to the class, how tragedy struck three times. He lost his 5 year old daughter who died. Ten months later, he had another daughter, she died in 5 days. The double tragedy was too much to bear. His body felt as if it were encased in a vise, and the jaws of the vise were being drawn tighter and tighter. The tension of grief  is this – if you have ever been paralyzed by sorrow. But Marion had one child left, a 4 year old who gave the solution .One afternoon he came and said “daddy, will you build a boat for me?” Marion was in no mood to build a boat, or to do anything. But the son was persistent and he had to give in. Building that toy boat took about 3 hours. By the time it was finished, he realized that it was the first 3 hours of mental relaxion and peace he had in months. He realized that it is difficult to worry while you are busy doing something that requires planning and thinking. Building the boat had knocked worry out of the ring. So he resolved to keep busy. The following night he went from room to room, compiling a list of jobs that ought to be done. Scores of items needed to be repaired, bookcases, stairs, storm windows. He completed most of them. He was too busy for worry.

Why does such a simple thing as keeping busy help to drive out anxiety? Because of a law, one of the most fundamental laws of psychology. It is utterly impossible for any human mind, no matter how brilliant, to think of more than one thing at a time. Don’t believe it? Lean back now, close your eyes, think of the statue of liberty, and what you plan to do tomorrow morning. You found out, that you could focus on either in turn, but not both simultaneously. Well the same thing is true with emotion. You cannot be pepped up and enthusiastic about doing something exciting and be dragged down at the same time. Nature also rushes in to fill the vacant mind. Usually with emotions, Because emotions of worry, fear, hate, jealousy and envy are driven by primeval vigor and the dynamic energy of the jungle.

Keep busy. The worried person must lose himself in action.

Be decisive

When you are worrying about something, ask two questions 

1. What am I worrying about?
2. What can I do about it? 

Then make a decision.

Experience proves the enormous value in making a decision It is the failure to arrive at a fixed purpose, the inability to stop going around and around in maddenning circles that drives men to nervous breakdowns and living hells. Lots of worries vanish when you arrive at a clear, definite decision. Lots also vanish when you carry out the decision.

William James said this. “When once a decision is reached and execution is the order of the day, dismiss absolutely all responsibility and care about the outcome.” Once you have made a decision based on facts, go into action. Don’t stop to reconsider. Don’t hesitate, worry and retrace your steps. Don’t lose yourself in self-doubting which begets other doubts. Don’t keep looking back over your shoulder.

Stop worrying about other people

Don’t expect gratitude

In Dale’s courses there was a businessman from Texas who was burned up with indignation.The incident he carried for 12 months. He had given his 34 employees ten thousand dollars in Christmas bonuses – approximately $300 each – and no one thanked him. “I’m sorry that I gave them even a penny”. This man was so full of poison. Instead of wallowing in self pity, he might have asked himself why he didn’t get the appreciation. Maybe he underpaid and overworked his employees. Maybe they considered it not as a gift but something they earned. Maybe he was so critical and unapproachable that no one dared or cared to thank him. Maybe they felt he gave the bonus because most of the profits were going to taxes anyway. Here is the point, this man made the human and distressing mistake of expecting gratitude .

Human nature has always been human nature and won’t change in your lifetime. So why not accept it? Why not be realistic. Marcus Aurelius wrote in his diary one day , “I am going to meet people who talk too much, are selfish, egotistical, ungrateful. I won’t be surprised or disturbed, for I couldn’t imagine a world without such people” That makes sense. If you go around grumbling about ingratitude, who is to blame? Is it human nature – or is it our ignorance of human nature? Let’s not expect gratitude. Then if we get it occasionally, it will come as a delightful surprise and if we don’t get it, we won’t be disturbed. It is natural for people to forget to be grateful, so if we go around expecting gratitude, we are headed straight for a lot of heartaches.

No one kicks a dead dog 

In 1929, a man called Robert Hutchins had worked his way through Yale, acting as a waiter, lumberjack, tutor, clothesline salesman and 8 years later inaugurated as the president of the university of Chicago. He was only 30 years old. Incredible! The older educators shook their heads. Criticism came roaring down upon this boy wonder, like a rockslide. He was this and that – too young and inexperienced – his educational ideas were cockeyed, even the newspapers joined in the attack. The day he was inaugurated the newspapers attacked him. When asked “yes it is severe, but remember no one ever kicks a dead dog” ” and the more important the dog is, the more satisfaction people get in kicking him” .

So when you are kicked and criticized, remember that it is often done because it gives the kicker a feeling of importance. It often means that you are accomplishing something and are worthy of attention. Many people get the sense of savage satisfaction out of denouncing those who are better educated than they are , or more successful. Remember that unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment. Remember that no one ever kicks a dead dog

Don’t get even

One night Carnegie was camping in Yellowstone Park. The grizzly is an animal that can whip any other animal in the Western world. But there was only one animal it permitted to come out of the forest to eat with him under the glare of lights: a skunk. The grizzly knew that he can liquidate the skunk with one swipe. Why didn’t he do it? He learnt from experience it didn’t pay. Carnegie encountered many skunks – the four legged type in the forrest, and the two legged type walking around New York City .

When we hate our enemies we are giving them power over us. Power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health and our happiness. Our enemies would dance with joy if only they knew how they were worrying us and getting even with us. Our hate is not hurting them at all, but our hate is turning our own days and nights into a hellish turmoil. How will trying to get even hurt you?

In many ways ‘the chief personal characteristic of persons with hypertension (high blood pressure) is resentment. When resentment is chronic, chronic hypertension and heart troubles follow”. We may not be saintly enough to love our enemies, but for the sake of our own health and happiness lets at least forgive them and forget them. That is the smart thing to do. “To be wronged or robbed is nothing unless you continue to remember it” – Confucious

One sure way to forgive and forget our enemies is to become absorbed in some cause infinitely bigger than ourselves. Then the insults and enmities we encounter won’t matter because we will be oblivious of everything except our cause. Perhaps he is right. If you and I had inherited the same physical, mental and emotional characteristics that our enemies have inherited, and if life had done to us what it has done to them, we would do exactly as they do. We couldn’t possibly do anything else. Instead of hating our enemies, let’s pity them and thank God that life has not made us what they are. Instead of leaping into condemnation and revenge upon our enemies, lets give them our understanding, our sympathy, our help, forgiveness and prayers

Words from Jesus

“love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you”

Lets never try and get even with our enemies because if we do, we will hurt ourselves far more than we hurt them

Start living –  Mindset 

Our lives are what our thoughts make it 

The biggest problem that you have to deal with, in fact the only problem you have to deal with, is choosing the right thoughts. If we can do that, we are on the high road to solving all of our problems. The great philosopher Marcus Aurelius summed it up in 8 words, “our life is what our thoughts make it”.

If we think happy thoughts, we will be happy

If we think miserable thoughts we will be miserable

If we think fearful thoughts we will be fearful

If we think sickly thoughs we will probably be ill

If we think failure, we will fail

If we wallow in self-pity, everyone will want to shun and avoid us

If we cherish creative thoughts on courage and calmness, we can enjoy the scenery while sitting on our coffin, riding to the gallows. Or we can fill our tents with ringing songs of cheer, while starving and freezing to death.

Milton discovered, “the mind is its own place, and in itself can make “a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven”. Montaigne the French philosopher said “a man is not hurt so much by what happens, as by his opinions of what happens”. Our opinion of what happens is entirely up to us!

Don’t fret the little things

Here is a dramatic story. Robert Moore of Maplewood New Jersey. In March 1945, in a submarine with 88 men.They discovered a Japanese convoy coming their way, all hell broke loose, six depth charges broke all around them. They lied in their bunks and tried to remain calm, but could hardly breath. They thought this is death. The attack continued for 15 hours, then it stopped. Those 15 hours seemed like 15 million years. His whole life passed in review. He remembered all the bad things he had done, all the little absurd things he worried about. He had worried because he couldn’t own a new home, a new car, couldn’t buy his wife nice clothes, how he hates his boss.He remembered how he came home at night sore and grouchy and quarrel with his wife over trifles. He was worried about the scar on the forehead. He thought, how big all those worries seemed years ago. How absurd they seemed when the depth charges were threatening to blow him to kingdom come. He promised then and there that if he ever saw the sun and stars again, he would never worry again.He learnt more about the art of living in that 15 hours than his whole life.

Disraeli said, “life is too short to be little”.  Those words should help with those times where you allow yourself to be upset by small things we should despise and forget. Here we are on this Earth with only  a few more decades to live, and we lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that, in a year’s time, will be forgotten by us and everybody. No, let us to devote our life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings. For life is too short to be little.

Focus on what you have

STORY – bloke with no legs, sitting on a skateboard, using wooden blocks to propel himself forward by pulling along the ground with his arms, “good morning sir! it’s a fine morning, isn’t it?” Within an instant, the university lecturer forgot all of his worries, realising they were petty in the grand scheme of things.  “I had the blues because I had no shoes, until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet”

Time magazine ran an article about a sergeant who was hit in the throat by a shell fragment, he needed 7 blood transfusions. Why don’t you stop right now and ask yourself: what in the hell am I worrying about? You probably will find that it is comparatively unimportant and insignificant .

He asked the doctor: will I live? The doctor replied Yes… Will I be able to talk? Yes. Then what the hell am I worrying about?

About 90% of the things in our lives are right and about 10% are wrong. If we want to be happy, all we got to do is concentrate on the 90% that are right and ignore the 10% that are wrong. If we want to be worried and bitter and have stomach ulcers, just concentrate on the 10% that is wrong. We seldom think of what we have, but of what we lack. Yes, the tendency to think of what we have but always of what we lack is the greatest tragedy on Earth. It has probably caused more misery than all the wars and diseases in history

Start living – Making the most of a bad situation (or play the hand you’re dealt)

Co-operate with the inevitable

When Dale was a little boy he was playing with some boys in the attic of an old abandoned house. As he climbed down he rested on his feet on a window sill and jumped. He had a ring on his finger, and when he jumped, the ring caught on a nailhead and tore off the finger. He screamed and was terrified. But after the hand healed, he never worried about it for a split second. What is the use? He accepted the inevitable.

Here is a bit of sage advice from William James, “be willing to have it so. Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune” .

Elizabeth Connley said “It is so. It cannot be otherwise”. That is not an easy lesson to learn.

George V had these framed words on his wall. “Teach me neither to cry for the moon nor over spilt milk” .

Obviously circumstances alone do not make us happy or unhappy. It is the way we react to circumstances that determine our feelings.

Jesus said that the kingdom of heaven is within you. That is where the kingdom of hell is too. We can all endure a disaster and tragedy and triumph over them – if we have to. We may not think we can, but we have suprisingly strong inner resources that will see us through if we only make use of them. We are stronger than we think.

We are not advocating that we simply bow down to all the adversities that come our way. That is mere fatalism. As long as there is a chance that we can save a situation, lets fight! But when common sense tells us that we are up against something that is so – and cannot be otherwise – then in the name of sanity, let’s not look before and after and pine for what it is not”

The masers of jujitsu teach their pupils to “bend like the willow, don’t resist like the oak” To break the worry habit before it breaks you.

If life gives you a lemon, make lemonade

A fool, if he finds that life has handed him a lemon, he gives up and says ‘I’m beaten. It is fate. I haven’t got a chance” Then he proceeds to rail against the world and indulge in an orgy (?) of self pity

But when the wise man is handed a lemon, he says “what lesson can I learn from this misfortune? How can I improve my situation? How can I turn this lemon into lemonade?”

One of the greatest characteristics of humans is their power to turn a minus into a plus “two men looked out from prison bars, one saw the mud, the other saw the stars”

There is a Scandinavian saying which some of us might as well make the rallying cry for our lives. “The north wind made the Vikings”

Wherever did we get the idea that secure and pleasant living, the absence of difficulty, and the comfort of ease, ever of themselves made people either good or happy?  Upon the contrary, people who pity themselves go on pitying themselves whether they are laid softly on a cushion But always in history character and happiness have come to people in all sorts of circumstances, good, bad and indifferent, when they shouldered their personal responsibiltiy.

Suppose we are so discouraged that there is no hope of turning lemons into lemonade. Then there are two reasons why you should try anyway, with nothing to lose and everything to gain

1. 1. 1. You may succeed
      2. Even if you don’t succeed. Trying to turn a minus into a positive will cause you to look forward instead of backwards, it will replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts

The most important thing in life is not to capitalize on your gains. Any fool can do that. The really important thing is to profit from your losses. That requires intelligence, and it makes the difference between a man of sense and a fool.

When fate hands us a lemon, let’s try to make a lemonade. 

Bring the right attitude to your work

One of the chief causes of fatigue is boredom. Alice is an executive, one night she comes home utterly exhausted. She acted fatigued. She was fatigued. She had a headache and a backache. She went to bed without dinner…. The telephone rang… “it was the boyfriend.. He gave her an invitation to the dance”. Her eyes sparkled, she was full of energy, rushed upstairs put the clothes on and danced until 3am. She was not the slightest bit exhausted, she was so exhilarated that she couldn’t fall asleep. Was Alice really and honestly tired 8 hours earlier? When she looked and acted exhausted? Sure she was, she was exhausted because she was bored with her work, perhaps bored with life. There are millions of people like Alice, you’re probably one of them

It is a well known fact that your emotional attitude usually has far more to do with producing fatigue than has physical exertion. It has been proven that when you’re bored, the blood pressure of the body and consumption of oxygen decreases. And that everything picks right up when you feel interest or pleasure in your activity or work. We rarely get tired when we are doing something interesting and exciting. Like when playing football or when surfing.  If you act ‘as if’ you are interested in your job, that bit of acting will tend to make your interest real. It will also tend to decrease your fatigue, your tensions and your worries .

Follow this link to see if How to Stop Worrying and Start Living made it to our Top 50