Daring Greatly – by Brene Brown

‘How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent and lead’

 

This book is about having the courage and being vulnerable. It is inspired by the below quote from a Theodore Roosevelt speech, known as ‘The Man in The Arena’. Our interpretation: don’t be a little bitch, get out there and have a crack.

See the quote and hear the episode here:

It is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles,
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
the one strives valiantly;  errs,
comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;
but who does actually strive to do the deeds;
who knows great enthusiasms,
the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement,
and who at the worst,
if he fails,
at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

 

 

Daring Greatly Book Review:-  A book by Brene Brown

 

How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead 

 

The phrase ‘Daring Greatly’ is from Theodore Roosevelts speech “Citizenship in a Republic” or better known as “The Man in the Arena”

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man residing actually in the arena,  face of whom is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, errs or comes short again and again. Because there is no effort without error and shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds and who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause

A person at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, he fails daring greatly”.

 

Vulnerability:–

It is not about knowing the victory or defeat rather it is understanding the necessity of both. Talking ahead, Vulnerability is not a weakness and the emotional exposure we face every day is not optional.

Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to engage with our vulnerability determines our depth of courage and the clarity of purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.

 

Perfection:–

When we spend our lives waiting until we are bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice our relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time and we turn back on our gifts, those contributions that only we can make. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they do not exist in the human experience. We must walk in the arena, whatever and however, that may be.  A  new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, a family conversation with courage and willingness to engage. More we lead more we succeed.

 

Rather than sitting on the sideline and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. :-

Let us follow the chapters below.

 

• Scarcity:-

Looking inside our culture of “never enough”.Have we turned into a culture of self-absorbed grandiose people who are only interested in power, success, beauty, and being special? We normally have the same reaction. These egomaniacs need to get over themselves; they are not entitled to jack

Shame is the cause of these behaviors, not the cure 

Looking at narcissism through the lens of vulnerability finds the shame-based fear of being ordinary

Kids are growing up with the diet of celebrity culture, television, unsupervised social media and thinking “I am only as good as the number of likes I get on Facebook or Instagram.

We get scarcity because we live it. First waking thought  “I Didn’t get enough sleep”

I don’t have enough time. The thought of not enough occurs automatically before we think to question or examine it

What makes this constant assessing and comparing so self-defeating is that we often compare our lives, our marriages, our families, our communities to unattainable media-driven versions of perfection and we make ourselves depressed or low that way.

 

Source of scarcity:-

It does not come overnight. There are enough people struggling with the issue of worthiness that it is shaping our culture. Worrying about scarcity is our culture’s version of post-traumatic stress. It happens when we have been through too much rather than coming together to heal

 

Reason for scarcity:-

 Shame 

Comparison 

Disengagement 

The larger culture is always applying pressure unless we are willing to push back and fight for what we believe. The default becomes a state of scarcity. We are called to Dare Greatly every time we make that challenge the social climate of scarcity

 

• Debunking the vulnerability myths:- Debunking takes 4 myths into account

 

A). vulnerability is a weakness:– Our rejection from vulnerability often stems from our associations with dark emotions like fear, shame, grief, sadness, and disappointment.

 

Loving someone who may not love you back –

Sharing an unpopular opinion

Saying no

Starting a business

Initiating sex

Getting pregnant after 3 miscarriages

 

Vulnerability is life’s great dare. life asking “Are you all in?”

 

B). I do not do vulnerability:-  Generally, We all do and not getting out of it.

 

C). Vulnerability is letting it all hang out:– It is not over-sharing. Trust is built one marble at a time.

 

D). we can go it alone: – We need a hand to help pull us up, off the ground when we get kicked in the arena.  If we live a courageous life, then that will happen for sure.

 

• Understanding and combating shame:-

Shame resilience is the key to embracing our vulnerability. Often “I am not good at vulnerability, means we are damn good at shame”. Sharing something that you have created is a vulnerable but essential part of engaged and wholehearted living. It’s the epitome of daring greatly.

 

Shame keeps us resentful, small, and afraid. The secret killer of innovation is a shame you can not measure it, but it is present there. Every time someone holds back an idea fails to give their manager the much-needed feedback and is afraid to speak up in front of a client you can be sure shame played a part. That deep fear we all have of being wrong, being belittled and feeling less than as compared to others, is what stops us from taking the very risks required to move our companies forward. Shame leads to fear. Fear leads to risk aversion. Risk aversion kills innovation and we are kept empty-handed.

 

Shame Resilience – battling shame 

The ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection than we had been going into it.

Own your story – don’t be ashamed of it

1. Recognize shame and understand it’s triggers
2. Practicing critical awareness
3. Reaching Out
4. Speaking Shame

I did something bad = Guilt

I am bad = Shame

“It is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”.

Shame is hard to talk about because

1. We all have it
2. We are all afraid to talk about shame
3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over us

 

Women and the Shame Web:-

Women are constantly asked by other women – why don’t you have a boyfriend, when are you getting married, when are you having a child, why have not you had another child yet? And many more questions to embarrass.

 

How men experience shame:-

Shame is a failure – At work, on the football field, in your marriage, in bed, with money, with your children. Shame is a failure.

Men live under the pressure of one unrelenting message don’t be weak – DON’T BE A PUSSY

Men either become pissed off or shut down. Sisters, mothers GFs, wives criticize men for not being open and vulnerable and intimate, while they are standing in front of that cramped wizard closet that men are huddled inside. When we are young, we learn initiating sex is the responsibility of the man, and sexual rejection becomes the hallmark of masculine shame

 

• The vulnerability Armory:-

Vulnerability is not the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you. At about 11 or 12 the vulnerability is easier to see than adults. Once we have worn it long enough it molds our shape and is ultimately undetectable, like a second skin.             Well, it appears believing that we are enough is the way out of the armor. It gives us permission to take off the mask. With that sense of “enough” comes an embrace of worthiness, boundaries, and engagement.

Gratitude:-If the opposite of scarcity is enough, then practicing gratitude is how we acknowledge that there’s enough and that we are enough.

The shield: Foreboding Joy:–

When we lose the ability or willingness to be vulnerable, joy becomes something we approach with deep foreboding. When we’re younger we greet joy with unalloyed delight, but slowly we become joy starved.

DARING GREATLY – PRACTICE GRATITUDE:-

1. Hoy comes to us in moments (ordinary moments) – we risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary
2. Be grateful for what you have
3. Do not squander joy

 

The shield: perfectionism:– Perfection is a defensive move, it is a belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.

• Perfectionism is not self-improvement, at its core, it is about trying to earn approval
• Perfectionism is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities.

 

DARING GREATLY: APPRECIATING THE BEAUTY OF CRACKS:–

“The perfect book that never leaves the computer is not as good as the imperfect book that gets published”

“Perfection is the enemy of done.”

DARING GREATLY: SETTING BOUNDARIES, FINDING TRUE COMFORT, AND CULTIVATING SPIRIT:-

Learn how to actually feel your feelings

1. Stay mindful about numbing behaviors
2. Learn how to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions

 

SHIELD: VICTIMS OR VIKINGS:- 

The victim is a sucker or a loser who is always being taken advantage of and can not hold on their own.

Viking is someone who sees the threat of being victimized as a constant, so you stay in control, you dominate, you exert power over things, and you never show vulnerability.

 

DARING GREATLY: REDEFINING SUCCESS, REINTEGRATING VULNERABILITY AND SEEKING SUPPORT 

SHIELD: OVERSHARING / LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT

Floodlighting = sharing everything

Smash and Grab = put something wild out there and try and get as much attention as you can in one hit, regardless of quality

DARING GREATLY: Clarifying intentions, setting boundaries, and cultivating connection & Questioning Intentions

SHIELD: SERPENTING

Always trying to dodge vulnerability rather than facing it head-on

 

DARING GREATLY: Being Present, Paying Attention, Moving Forward

The Shield: Cynicism, criticism, cool and cruelty

“If you decide to walk into the arena and dare greatly, you’re going to get kicked around. You are going to be at the end of some cynicism and criticism before it is all over.  Only accept and pay attention to feedback from people who are also in the arena. 

 

• Disruptive engagement – Daring to rehumanize education and wok:-

 

Most people and most organizations cannot understand the uncertainty and the risk of real innovation. Learning and creating are inherently vulnerable. If leaders expect real learning, critical thinking, and change, then discomfort should be normalized.

For leaders vulnerability often looks and feels like discomfort. In Seth Godins Tribes:

“Leadership is scarce because few people are willing to go through the discomfort required to lead. This scarcity makes leadership valuable. It’s uncomfortable to

 

Stand up in front of strangers

To propose an idea that might fail

To challenge the status quo

To resist the urge to settle

When you identify the discomfort, you have found a place where a leader is needed. If you are not uncomfortable with your work as a leader, it is almost certain that you are not reaching your potential as a leader.

At school

“There are times when you ask questions or challenge ideas, but if you have got a teacher who does not like that or the kids make fun of the people who do that, that is bad. I think most of us learned that it is best to just keep your head down, your mouth shut and your grades high” How do we create a space safe for vulnerability and growth when we are not feeling open? I do not know a single person who can be open to accepting feedback or owning responsibility for something when they are being hammered.

 

• Wholehearted parenting:–

Hope is a function of struggle. If we want our children to develop high levels of hopefulness then we have to let them struggle. Step back and let them experience disappointment, deal with conflict, learn how to assert themselves and have the opportunity to fail.

                      Do not follow them into the arena; let them in on their own