Dealing with People You Can’t Stand – by Dr. Rick Brinkman

Dealing with People You Can’t Stand is a phenomenal book. Top 10 in our eyes. EVERYONE has someone in their life that they can’t stand (and there’s plenty of people that can’t stand you either). The two Dr. Ricks provide some great tactics for dealing with all different personality types.

The ‘Lens of Understanding’ itself is worth the money and time invested into reading this book. It combines two spectrums (task/people focus and passive/aggressive assertiveness levels), three zones (cooperation, caution and danger zones), four behaviours (get it done, get it right, get along, get appreciated), four intents (control, perfection, approval, attention), and thirteen different personality types (tanks, snipers, grenades, know-it-alls, think-they-know-it-alls, yes people, maybe people, nothing people, no people, whiners, judges, meddlers and martyrs), all in one simple diagram! Absolutely amazing.

‘How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst’

 

Dealing with People You Can’t Stand (dot point) Summary

The 10 most unwanted list

1. The Tank – crazy nut job, confrontational, pointed, angry, the ultimate in pushy and aggressive behaviour
2. The sniper – rude comments, sarcasm, a roll of eyes make you look foolish the sniper’s specialty
3. Grenade – after a brief period of calm the grenade explodes into a rant about things nothing to do with current circumstances
4. Know it all – low tolerance for contradiction, If something goes wrong your to blame
5. Think They know it all – Can’t fool all the people all of the time, but fool some of the time. All to get attention
6. The Yes Person – effort to please everyone and avoid confrontation. Yes without thinking things through. Overcommit then become resentful
7. The Maybe Person – Procrastinates in the hope a better choice will present itself
8. Nothing Person – disguised as a mild manner normal person, no person fights a never-ending battle for futility, hopelessness, and despair
9. The no person -more deadly to morale than a speeding bullet, able to defeat big ideas in one big syllable
10. Lens of Understanding

 

People are either

1. task focus or people focus
2. Passive of aggressive

 

1. Get the task done – short and to the point
2. Get the task right – seeking perfection
3. Get along with people
4. Get appreciation from people

You may float through each at different times for the project

• When people have the same priorities then misunderstanding or conflict is highly unlikely

Ch3 Road to hell paved with good intentions

 

Ch4 From conflict to cooperation

Blending is when you feel closer to someone (rapport), for example when you find out someone grew up in the same place as you

When people get along they mirror each other

Communicate subconsciously

 

Ch5 Listen to understand

Step 1: Blend (build rapport)

Step 2: Backtrack – use the same words they do, repeat what they say so they know your listening

Step 3: Clarify- become genuinely curious and ask some clarifying questions

Step 4: Summarize what you’ve heard

Step 5: Confirm: make sure they feel understood, ask ‘Do you feel understood?’

 

Ch6 Reach a deeper understanding

Identify positive intent

A key to bringing the best out of people at their worst is to give them the benefit of the doubt

Assume positive intent behind their problem behavior

Identify highly valued criteria

What are their values? Money? Recognition? Etc

 

Ch7 Speak to be understood.

• Monitor tone of voice.
• State your positive intent. Most people do not state their intent, even though it is the most important part of communication. After all, it’s the purpose you are trying to achieve.. Ask yourself “what is the real purpose of saying what I’m about to say?”
• Tactfully interrupt interruptions … Is made without anger, without blame, and without fear. Just say the difficult person’s name over and over again in a matter of fact sort of way until you get their attention.
• Tell your truth… Tell your truth in a way that builds them up and not tears them down.
• Be ready to listen – whenever you speak to be understood your communications will inevitably have an influence on your problem people. Be prepared to listen with intent if they respond defensively

 

Ch8 Get what you project and expect

Pygmalion effect – high expectations influence their results

 

Ch9 How to change your attitude

Make a habit of positively replaying the past and replay the future in your mind’s eye.

Changing your perspective

Disassociate yourself from unpleasant memories and start learning from them

Change the way you talk to yourself

• Become conscious of the things you tell yourself
• “I go for what I want, and I want what I get
• Somewhere in this experience is an opportunity
• Any experience I can learn from is a good one
• I know that anything is possible. The people who believe this get breakthroughs
• All things must pass

The Know it All

• They are knowledgeable and extremely competent people, highly assertive and outspoken in their viewpoints
• Their intent is to get it done task focus, aggressive
• Know it all’s believed to be wrong is to be humiliated. They feel it is their destiny and duty to manipulate and control
• They will waste no time with inferior ideas

Instead of helping the know it all makes you feel miserable, you can retrain to be flexible, patient and very clever about how you present your ideas

• See through the eminence of the know it all’s
• These close-minded difficult people have doomed themselves to struggle with one of the primal forces of life, uncertainty
• The most that can be won in this struggle is the booby prize of being right
• They are no doubt very unhappy and insecure people inside, no matter how clean the lab jacket or impeccable the resume
• “The real voyage of discovery is not to seek new land but to see it with new eyes

Your Goal – Open the know it all’s mind to new ideas

Step 1 – be prepared and know your stuff

Their defense system monitors incoming information for errors. If there are flaws they will discredit your whole idea

Step 2 – backtrack respectfully

-They must feel like you have heard and understood the brilliance of their point of view

• Shows you have been listening with sincerity

Step 3 – blend with their doubts and desires

• Blend with the reasons why your ideas will not work or reasons why it will. Acknowledge these ideas before you present your idea

Step 4 Present your views indirectly

• Use words like we to include
• Present ideas in a nonthreatening way

Step 5 Establish a mentoring relationship

• Shortcut to long-range change, acknowledge them as mentors in one area you wish to develop
• Acknowledging them as experts and you are willing to learn from them you become less of a threat

The Judge

They set a standard that no one can meet, pronounce judgement with a running commentary of criticism

They are in constant pain as the world refuses to conform to their standards

Key to dealing with judges is to counter the negative rulings, whether stated or in your own mind

Don’t question the court’s judgement

Action Plan

Option1 – acknowledge the judge and move on “thanks for your thoughts and suggestions”

Option 2 – return to sender… Return judgement to judge.

Option 3 – appeal the sentence

Option 4 – go for polarity response.

Option 5 – Give them a glimpse of greatness. Tell them how what they are doing is self-defeating and what you think would work better instead

The Martyr

When get along blends with to get an appreciation

The less they are appreciated, the more they give. No one gives back because the neediness and annoying behaviour are both unattractive qualities in a person

Make sure you come across as appreciative

 

Action Plan

Option1 – look for a chance to give

Option 2 – Disrupt the guilt trip

Guilt helps us moderate bad behaviour, it induces introspection and it even contributes to the process of creative thinking. You resolve guilt by taking or refraining from action.

Guilt can be good as it gives you a sense of obligation to set things right

 

Flip it – give them the guilt trip

You don’t appreciate all I’ve done for you, reply ” But I don’t think you appreciate my appreciation”

 

Option 4 – Say no to unreasonable requests

Saying no makes you a more authentic person, it lets people know how you actually feel about things. When you agree to help or be helped, they’ll know it is sincere and meaningful.

Option 5 – give them the glimpse of greatness

Tell them the truth of how their behaviour is self-defeating

State your positive intent

Be specific about their problem behaviour

Show them how it is self-defeating

Suggest new behaviours

Reinforce behaviour change

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Dealing With People You Can’t Stand

We all know people who get on our nerves. This book deals with 13 stereotypical types of people and how to specifically deal with each one.

1. The sniper – rude comments, sarcasm, roll of eyes make you look foolish is the snipers specialty
2. Grenade – after a brief period of calm the grenade explodes into a rant about things nothing to do with current circumstances
3. Know it all – low tolerance for contradiction, If something goes wrong your to blame
4. Think they know it all – Can’t fool all the people all of the time, but fool some of the time. All to get attention
5. The Yes Person – effort to please everyone and avoid confrontation. Yes without thinking things through. Overcommit then become resentful
6. The Maybe Person – Procrastinates in the hope a better choice will present itself
7. Nothing Person – disguised as a mild manner normal person, no person fights a never-ending battle for futility, hopelessness, and despair
8. The Whiner – feel helpless in an unfair world, the standard is perfection and none ever lives to it. Misery loves company so they bring their problems to you. Offering solutions make you bad company so their whining escalates
9. The Judge – sets a standard that no one can meet, then pronounces judgement along with a running commentary of criticism
10. The Medler – they think they know what’s best for your, decide your incapable and seek to manage your life for you
11. The Martyr – Are needy givers, giving gifts whether you want them or not. Each gift comes with an obligation

Grenade get the spade